i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
