i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
