i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
