I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
