Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
