My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
