there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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