Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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