he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
