My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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