According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
