i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
foreskin is a definite game changer
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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