I accidentally burped into my bong.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
