I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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