The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
