Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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