did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
