Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
The ass gains better be worth it
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
