Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
