the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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