Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
