I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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