Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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