I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
