there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
