Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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