Can i not drive my cunt home
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
