those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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