This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just googled if crying burns calories
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
