I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize
