i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
