why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
