I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
