Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
