I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
