If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
40s are totally the cure
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
