he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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