We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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