i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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