if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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