His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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