im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
