Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
