I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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