i dedicated my morning wood to you.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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