You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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