Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
