so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
