What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
the liver wants what the liver wants
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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