i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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