There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
